After last night, I could never be a politician.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
