Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
