Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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