If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
