I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
