I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
