If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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