Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
