wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
