What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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