Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
