can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
