just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
