I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
