You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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