i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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