I feel like abortions should bother me more
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
