he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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