How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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