she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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