He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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