it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
