I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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