I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
