tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You are a genius and a whore.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
