I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
