East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
