well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
