Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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