Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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