Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
