it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
