2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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