have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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