I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
