Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
