I haven't been this sober since birth.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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