You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
kristin has been a bad kristin
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Randomize
