i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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