STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Apparently you make a good broom.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
