I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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