now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
