i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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