My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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