Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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