I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
