i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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