I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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