I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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