Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
