4 words: hood of his car
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
