i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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