I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
