god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
