so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
