I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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