we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Randomize
