he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
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